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| Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003 | | 5:44 pm |
Up until recently I didn't give a shit about what people said or thought about me. I thought I was happy with myself. Recently, what people say and think about me has become more and more of an issue to me. And I've come to the realization that its because I'm not happy with who I am...if I was I wouldn't care what people think. I'm sick of being the token gay kid for all those prissy little bitches who will use people for just about anything. Well, now I'm sick of pretending to be more femenine than I really am, I'm sick of having to dress a certain way, I'm sick of being someone that I'm not. I guess it's my own fault though.... Last year I was pressured by certain asshole-ish people to make it known that I was gay. So I came out. Some people didn't believe me, and I felt pressured to prove myself to everyone, so I changed who I was. I transformed myself into the stereotypical gay guy. Looking back on it, I'm nothing short of disgusted, but I can't change what I've already done. Its not only that that makes me hate being gay...its difficult you know. To never be truly accepted no matter how masculine you are, you'll always be "the gay kid" to judgemental assholes. Who, in turn, have their own insecurities that they are attempting to cope with. Two weeks ago some shits tried to pick a fight with me because I'm gay...luckily my friend was there to kick their ass because I don't ever feel the need to turn to violence. All I know is that I've changed myself so much in the past year to please people, that I don't even know who I am anymore. As a result of my insecurities I have transformed myself into something that is far from who I am or what I want to be. I am truly, truly ashamed of being gay...which can quite possibly explain why I have been hooking up with girls in addition to guys. I don't know where I am trying to go with this entry, but in conclusion...I am no longer going to be the token gay kid, I am going to be myself. I don't need to change the why I act, the way I dress, or the way I talk to please anyone. If you don't like me for who I am, fuck you. Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: All we ever find~Tim Mcgraw | | Sunday, November 10th, 2002 | | 12:43 am |
I'm crying.....thinking about camp..... I saw Matt Soffer tonight and I wanted to cry, it only reminded me of how much I miss camp. I miss everyone, I need them. I fucking need Becca Hughes right now, I need Aviva, I need Becca Stahl....THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE I WANT TO BE WITH RIGHT NOW BUT I CANT....FUCK THAT. I miss camp so much, I have to chose a session to go next year also, and I feel like I just can't. My summer was amazing, I don't want to change anything about it....fuck that.....FUCK this sucks so badly. I need to go outside and look at the stars so I can pretend I am at camp.....bye Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: August in Bethany~The Juliana Theory | | Monday, October 14th, 2002 | | 10:37 pm |
There is a song by Jack Johnson called bubly toes....weirdness.... | | 10:37 pm |
Hey livejournal, I have neglected you mucho for the past week. I am writing in you because Becca Hughes is bitching about me not writing. SuPerGyrL224 [10:26 PM]: alex SuPerGyrL224 [10:26 PM]: i need to ask you something Sportstercw1 [10:27 PM]: What is it Becca? What is it? SuPerGyrL224 [10:27 PM]: well, lately you've seemed different, and ive just been wondering if you're okay, because you haven't livejournaled in so long and that's so unlike you and i just am wondering...what happened to alex? where has alex gone? Sportstercw1 [10:28 PM]: I haven't gone anywhere Becca, I'm right here, right now, and I am going to livejournal Sportstercw1 [10:28 PM]: Livejournal I will SuPerGyrL224 [10:29 PM]: really alex? so you're okay? you really mean that? Sportstercw1 [10:29 PM]: Yes, yes Becca I do, I really really do SuPerGyrL224 [10:29 PM]: good. because that makes me so happy. There Becca, I livejournaled. I am alright. I really really am. I love livejournaling, I was just soooooooooooo busy last week it was ridiculously ridiculous. I love you Becca. Yay for livejournaling, much love to the comfortmaster Becca. Goodnight sweet princess, and may the songs of angels sing thee to thy sleep Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Super sweet laugh~Becca Hughes | | Tuesday, October 8th, 2002 | | 5:47 pm |
Back from crew. Wow, that was a really hard work out. We did 300 crunches, 200 squats, and we had to row 3000 meters....it was really hard, but very rewarding...Yeah so now I have to go study for an in class essay in history which tomorrow. | | 3:02 pm |
Ahhhhhhh ok...my Latin test was postponed until Friday! Hapiness... I am going to ace it anyway. Yeah so during PE today my PE teacher got really pissed at me becasue I kept telling everyone that I was going to Montlcair this weekend it was soooo funny. Ahhhhh I am leaving Friday night at 5! OMG OMG OMG THREE DAYS HOLY SHIT!!!! Ok so yeah now school is over...crew....bummer, I am going to be so tired. It ends at 5 though, instead of 6:30...happiness. Ahhh so yeah I gotta go because my crew coach is a stupid stupid whore and she is really pissy when you are late. I'm out like a boner in sweatpants...bye. Current Mood: happy | | 9:19 am |
My dad is such a fucking prick. I have free period in the morning so I don't have to be at school until 9:30. It's 9:10 now and he is like we will leave in 20 mins. I eat breakfast when I get to school in the extra free time that I have and now because of him I'm not going to eat, what an asshole he isn't even doing anything. He needs to go knock himself out with his rogaine, hemroid cream, and viagra, cus thats fucking old age for you, hes just pissy. WHAT AN ASS. | | Monday, October 7th, 2002 | | 10:34 pm |
With the sounds of the oceans crashing 7:30 Friday evening Everything comes tumbling down I choke back each tear that bleeds I'd rather rest forever in your arms I'd rather stay here than go but I know that I should leave As I sit here helpless Don't go You said you wouldn't You said you couldn't I think of our time together Is it fading or am I dreaming Everything you said lives on I cherish our memories I want to kiss your tears away tonight It's hard to give up the one you never thought you'd leave Don't go Your eyes see through my soul Don't go You say as I walk out your door With the sounds of the ocean crashing 7:30 Friday evening Everything comes tumbling down August in Bethany~The Juliana Theory Becca isn't going to Montclair. I am crying, I am so upset. I love her so much and I was looking forward to seeing her this weeknd. I guess everything does come tumbling down...this sucks. I love you Becca, I miss you more than words can say. This turned my day into shit. I am so happy that I am going to Montclair, but I was sooooo looking forward to seeing Becca and now I'm not going to. Fuck this. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: August in Bethany~The Juliana Theory | | 7:58 pm |
Ahhhhh I just did sooo much homework! I had such a productive homework night, I did so much homework that was due later on this week! And I did all these test corrections to make up for a few lost points! Yay! I feel so good right now! Sorry, I am school obsessed. I am obsessed with doing well...and I feel very productive right now. So yeah...YAY!!! Its been a long day though...what else do I need to do...hmmmmm. Oh yeah I have to call Jilly and talk to her about going to Montclair this weekend and then I have to sleep! I want to go to be at like 9. I have a free period in the morning tomorrow so I don't have to be at school until 9:30 tomorrow so I am waking up at 8. I want to go to bed at 9 and get 11 hours of sleep, I need it ALL. Current Mood:  productiveCurrent Music: The general~Dispatch | | 6:26 pm |
One of my best friends is mad at me... A couple of weeks ago I went to the movies with my friend Katie and when we went there I saw A LOT of my friends from other schools and friends from my school that switched school who I haven't seen in a really long time. So yeah, Katie felt sick so she came up to me and she was like I am going home, I feel really sick, I called my parents. And then I was like, I'm sorry your sick. And then I went and talked to my friends and she walked away. She went to stand on the corner alone, and I should have gone with her. I was just caught up in the excitement of seeing these people that I hadn't seen for a really long time. I feel terrible that she stood there alone for like 20 mins, I fell like an ass. I should have gone over and waited with her, grrrrr I'm such a fucking prick sometimes. She won't talk to me now and I feel really bad. I'm really sorry. Yeah well I gotta go do more homework...bye Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: Flake~Jack Johnson | | 4:32 pm |
I just got back from school. I am so exhausted. It has been a long day. Because of the school shooting in MD today crew was going to stay back and just do training and workouts so I decided to leave because I had a really bad headache and I am really tired. Well time for homework... Current Mood: exhaustedCurrent Music: Fire door~Ani Difranco | | 12:33 pm |
Ok...so yeah. Where was I? I had to stop writing in my livejournal during science because my teacher was like walking towards me. It was funny. Ok yeah so...science was boring. Then I had mini-break(snack) and then I had period 4(PE). My PE tecaher is such a loser. He is so weird. For a PE teacher he sure has hell has never missed a meal. Haha he is so out of shape, it is ironic that he is a PE teacher. Not that he is capable of teaching an academic class or anything, he is really dumb. He is sooooo weird also, he videotapes us doing different activities during PE. Child pornographer I tell you! Ahhhhh so during science all I could think about was Camp and how I am going to Montclair this weekend. I am so overly excited. It is ridiculous. In FOUR days I am going to see some of my best friends from camp, this is amazing. I want to do so many things with them. I want to go outside and look at the stars so we can feel like we are back at camp again. I want to watch the sunrise and sunset...AHHHHHH I just want to be with them. I miss them all so much. Yeah so now its lunch, I had pizza. Next I have history. My history teacher is AWESOME. His name is Topher...he is sooooo cool. Then I have english. My english teacher is really cool also. Her name is Rika, she is really cool. Yeah and then after school I am going to have crew....bummer. I mean, I really like it and it is a lot of fun, but it is so mcuh work. It takes so much coordination...if you aren't all rowing at the same time and keeping the boat flat on the water...it can be soooo much harder than it needs to be. Crew is such a dirty sport...they have the weirdest names for things. Like the cockson is the person who says who should be rowing and when to row...and the speaker system in the boat(because the boat is really long so when he yells you can't really hear him at the hend of the boat) is call the cocks box. That is like a gay bar's name...the cock's box. Well if it isnt the name of the gay bar I am founding a gay bar and naming it that. OK yeah...so moving along. I am so excited to go to Montclair. I can't say it enough. It took me so long to fall asleep last night because all I could think about was getting on the train on Friday and leaving to go see the people that I miss so much. I just want to sit and talk to them for hours. I am staying at Jillys...I hope I will get to spend a lot of time with Becca, Becca, and Aviva also. When we all get together we are all going to be so crazy. So many memories are going to come out of this weekend and I am so excited. I'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs....bye Current Mood:  sleepy | | 9:50 am |
Hmmmm....science class is boring. Right now we are discussing kinetic and potential energy. Grrrrr it is so boring.... Hey guys...a daredevil circus performer has a special stunt in which she starts at rest on the top of the ramp and rolls blindfolded down it, off a jump, and through a ring of flame. Her speed going off of the jump must be 14 m/s at the top of the 2 meter jump for her pass through the hoop. Her mass is 55 kg. How high up must she start to execute this stunt safely? It is so easy....but who the hell cares? Yeah, so right now I am taking astrophysics for science, and next semester I will be in biochemistry. I have a really hard math curriculum... Yeah so right now I am sitting in science class and pretending to be paying attention to my techer... We just heard about a shooting. There was a shooting at a school in MD and some 13 year old boy is seriously injured. Last week some crazy guy went on a rampage and shot 5 people in MD. What the hell is wrong with the world these days? It really pisses me off and upsets me. I got a test back in Geometry this morning. I have to say...it was the worst grade I have ever gotten. I work really hard and I get really good grade, so when I get a grade like that I get really angry because I know that I am capable of much more. I got a 72...sheesh. I need to do some make up work to make up for that. | | 7:23 am |
Just woke up! Hello world! Haha, I am so tired. Thats what you get for being on the phone with Becca so late...whatever, it was worth it. Yeah well now I am off to school. I have Geometry first period...yay... Ohhhhhh shit....crew after school! Ahhhhh sooo much work...mucho tired, just thinking of it is making me tired. I gotta goooooooooooo. Bye bye. Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: My Stupid Mouth~John Mayer | | 12:46 am |
Becca's Live Journal Entry.... i miss the nights when all hell broke loose. when hell wasn't even bad. it was good. all it was, was not listning to the councelors so we could watch the stars at night. if that was hell, and i was at camp, dying wouldn't be so bad. because either way its blissful. im going to tell something about the sky...memories Rain: fourth day into camp we had our first rain. i remember it so well. we were at rec athletics playing basketball, and all of a sudden the wind picked up and the sand off the baseball field was blowing. it started to rain. rain is beautiful. we basked in it. we didn't want to go into the pagoda. but we did. we were drenched, and i remember dan gave me his princeton sweatshirt cuz i was sopping weat. we stayed there for a while, watching the rain hit lake joshua. then we all went to the bottom of the ulam and played the mostest game. that day made me feel at home, Sunrise: walking down to the chader ochel at six in the morning for most of camp.. the last night of camp going bunkhopping to chapel on the hill to watch the sunrise, and running back and instead watching the sunrise over kfar on the top of the steps of the ulam. with some of my favorite people. if i wasn't there for that moment i dont think camp would have been the same for me. Sunset: out of the ulam and down to dinner...leboff saying to me: "now becca, have u ever seen a sky so beautiful?" sweetness. love. joy. compassion. stars: stargazing EVERY night after evening activity. the love we shared those nights. councelors thought we were all hooking up as we layed by omanut looking up at the sky holding hands. lying on top of each other. feeling love. i miss this. somehow got into the poetic mood. so poetic ill be. i have to cut this short, but i know i coudl go on forever. i love you. you dont even have to ask. you know who you are. Becca...all I can say that reading that made me cry. Your live journal entry is definately something that everyone in K'far this summer could relate to. That was camp, every minute of it was enjoyed by these little things that most people don't even notice. When you notice those little things in life you always realize what a difference they make. Stars in the sky, the sunrises, the sunsets...oh how I miss camp Harlam. Oh I miss and love you...you all know who you are. Current Mood: touchedCurrent Music: August in Bethany~The Juliana Theory | | 12:36 am |
Just broke out the cranberry juice.....made me think of Becca Hughes and how we love the juice of cranberries Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: 3x5~John Mayer | | 12:30 am |
SuPerGyrL224 [12:27 AM]: why do we love the stars so much? answer me...i want to know We love the stars because they remind us of the place we love...looking up at the stars reminds us of that place. I look up at the stars and I am reminded of those nights when we looked up at the stars at camp...I miss those nights...I miss you...I miss everyone...I miss everything...I miss camp... Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: August in Bethany~The Juliana Theory | | Sunday, October 6th, 2002 | | 11:58 pm |
I have school tomorrow. Fuck that shit yo... in the words of Becca that is. Yeah well Becca and I have decided that we have a simultanious cosmic livejournal connection and that makes us happy. Becca and I are like becoming best friends. We talk on the phone every night for like 2 hours, and we never get sick of eachother....what is this? Yeah well she is cool. Hold on....HOLD ON, HOLD ON?!?!? Haha video chug, I am pretty sure we scared the fuck out Hold on....Gumby and Frank had to track him down because he skipped chug because he hates us. That was mean. Yeah, well Tyrese Stephon Devonne Trevonne Troy Christian Lamonte Eastman Osbourne is out like boner in sweatpants. Goodnight Phfatima! Dream beautiful dreams my sweet princess! I love you! Current Mood:  lovedCurrent Music: 3x5~John Mayer | | 11:51 pm |
Ahhhhh shit. I have a crush on this boy...he is so amazing. He is so smart, and funny, and I am totally like in love with him. I used to be such superficial bitch that used ot go only by looks...ugh, yeah well this guy isn't gorgeous or anything, but his personality makes him so amazing. Whenever I talk to him I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach, and he makes me happy. He is so sweet, and he says the most adorable things. He makes me laugh and smile and giggle. He definately like me too, which is awesome. He wrote the hottest poem about me....I just can't get it right now because my school e-mail is fucked, but I will put it on here later. Yeah well he is the sweetest guy ever and I really like him. Even though lately he hasn't called me at all....I miss talking to him. He is so much fun...I like him a lot....yeahhhhh ok...moving along. On the phone with Becca...we are simultaniously livejournaling...fun. Becca and I have a livejournaling obsession, shes a little better at it though because I only started today...yeah well Becca kicks ass. I love you Becca. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: Crash into me~Dave Matthews | | 11:36 pm |
Becca is reading me my first live journal entry. She has been trying to get me one of these forever! And now I have one. She is reading my first live journal entry to me becasue she thinks my first live journal entry is cause for celebration. It is! I am so excited, livejournaling is fun. Yeahhhhh so Becca Hughes I love you, your the coolest. I can't wait to see you this weekend. I must be off to bed. Goodnight sweet princess, and may the songs of angels sing thee to thy sleep. I LOVE YOU!!! Mwah Princess Becca, and good night. Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: Becca Hughes~reading of the live journal |
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